she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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