Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
