I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
