I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
