Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Sorry my hands just texted you
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
