Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
