I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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