Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
