There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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