would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize