I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
