someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
