I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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