he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
