i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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