I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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