Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
