I think I died a long time ago.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
