Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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