I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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