At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
