Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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