would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
