Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
