god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You're like the curious george of whores
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
