Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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