My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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