I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
