I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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