Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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