Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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