it was like his penis was on wheels.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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