I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
