Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
