Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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