I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
