Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
