I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
