please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
