I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
