The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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