You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
you never un-have a 4some
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
