And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
