just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize