dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
