Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
