I'm laying in your front yard are you home
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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