He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
