her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
