I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
