Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
