I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize