dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
