a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
