You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
