I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
