My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Shame is for Republicans.
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