somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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