oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
