You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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