I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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