does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
farters have to be the big spoon...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
