You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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