my phone needs a breathalizer
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
